I am in dire need of a therapist, and I can't get one for now, so I am continuing to use this blog as my sessions. There will be much whininess ahead, just as there was back before.
It's been a while since I posted. I've been focused on my new job (cleaning offices), and a Bible study and getting my family adjusted. Now that we are all settled into our next stage (for a year or so until we go through it again), I am feeling what I'm feeling again. And, damn, if I'm not depressed again.
Typical stuff: anger, self-pity, wanting to isolate, sadness, lack of motivation. I've got plenty of stuff to do, but I just don't care enough to apply myself. Occasional thoughts of suicide, but not as frequently as last year, and I have no fear that I'll be motivated to act on it. I am surprised that my wife is taking such a stand-off approach to me. Perhaps because she doesn't really know what to say, or doesn't realize the depth of my angst.
My main fear last year in shutting down the day shelters and all is people's suffering. Right now, my greatest realization is how little anyone actually needs me. There are sufficient volunteers and outlets that frankly, I could walk away and no one would notice. I am desperate to help, because I need it to give me some joy in my life, but half the time when I offer I'm told to never mind. They got it covered. I'm glad that my prayers and work for many years has put up so many people wanting to do this work that I felt so lonely in. But I now feel like I'm on the outside looking in.
I wonder if I would feel better getting a job in the field. Work for Sisters of the Road, or something. But I know that my demands of what is good and right would end up conflicting with whoever I would work for. I am quite narrow-minded.
I have two temptations: one is to just quit everything and walk from camp to camp, praying for people and listening to folks, using the resources I have to try to help them. The other is to just walk away from it all, quit my social media and not have anything to do with any of it. Of course I will lean toward extreme reactions. That's my nature.