The main thing that I've discovered is that my brokenness isn't going away. It used to be that when I got some time alone, I returned energized, ready to take on a number of month's hard work. Not this time. People, any people, overwhelm me now. It's like I have a PTSD of people talking to me. My body responds to a "good morning" as if someone is challenging me or asking me to solve their crises, and I get immediately exhausted.
But even in the midst of silence and peace, there is a cloud that occasionally descends upon my mind. It might last for an hour or half a day. This cloud makes my thinking sluggish and sometimes it makes me dizzy or feel sick or exhausted. When it comes, I am slow, I have to force myself to think, if I have to, but I'm much more likely to do better watching a movie or reading a novel. Just pass the time gently until it goes away.
Now I recognize my sense of being overwhelmed. When I am asked to multitask or to deal with many issues or problems when that cloud descends, I can't move that fast. I struggle to function at a low level, and when people are demanding that I function at a high level, I get angry at them and
I believe that it is just a form of depression, this cloud, another sign that I can't keep functioning at this level. But that still doesn't answer what the future holds for me or Anawim.