September 26, 2015

It's been a good month.  I've spent two weeks with my parents,who are living a quiet retired lifestyle in California.  And I just came back from four days at a Trappist Abbey, where I didn't speak or was spoken to for that time.  I got some time by myself, and a lot of quiet.  I have been able to connect again with God and to really listen to him.  I've been able to discipline myself spiritually, begin an exercise regime and get my diet under control.  I've been building balance.

The main thing that I've discovered is that my brokenness isn't going away.  It used to be that when I got some time alone, I returned energized, ready to take on a number of month's hard work.  Not this time.  People, any people, overwhelm me now.  It's like I have a PTSD of people talking to me.  My body responds to a "good morning" as if someone is challenging me or asking me to solve their crises, and I get immediately exhausted.

But even in the midst of silence and peace, there is a cloud that occasionally descends upon my mind.  It might last for an hour or half a day.  This cloud makes my thinking sluggish and sometimes it makes me dizzy or feel sick or exhausted.  When it comes, I am slow, I have to force myself to think, if I have to, but I'm much more likely to do better watching a movie or reading a novel.  Just pass the time gently until it goes away.

Now I recognize my sense of being overwhelmed.  When I am asked to multitask or to deal with many issues or problems when that cloud descends, I can't move that fast.  I struggle to function at a low level, and when people are demanding that I function at a high level, I get angry at them and
snap.

I believe that it is just a form of depression, this cloud, another sign that I can't keep functioning at this level.  But that still doesn't answer what the future holds for me or Anawim.