Of course, I can't leave well enough alone and just relax and say, "Hey, I can be who I am!" No, I have to pick at my freedom like an old scab because it itches. So I am asking myself again:
What am I supposed to do?
Who am I supposed to be?
How does it look to be "normal" for me?
I'm pretty sure the first question is that I'm supposed to prepare for the next stage in my life. This will be to slow down on helping the homeless, give over Anawim to others, sell my house and give my wife the rest she deserves. I'm realizing that this isn't as easy as I thought, so having a year and a half to accomplish this makes sense. Especially because I need a different income for this preparation year, and those in my house are working on how to work and have money to pay bills.
Another thing I'm supposed to do is rest. I spent a lot of time talking about that already. Just to say I'm still tired, still depressed, and my body pain is increasing. Nothing unusual given what I wrote before, and I don't feel bad about this. I just wonder how much I should actually work.
The second question is trickier. I had a deal with God that I would work for Him and he would pay the bills. So even though I worried about money sometimes, it was pretty much taken care of. Now I'm dialing back on ministry (not quitting, though) and I wonder if the bills will be paid. The donation money has been cut back as I cut back on my work, but we still need money to keep the ministry going under other leadership. Hmmm. I wonder what's about that.
And there are as many opportunities to get involved in helping folks on the street as there always has been. How much should I do? Should I limit myself to Fridays food distribution? Or should I get involved in other things? Training? What about personal connection with folks? I guess that will work out. And I'm still tired, so I don't feel strongly to jump into anything with both feet.
That final question is a tricky one for me. I've lived the last 35 years striving to be a "saint", a "spiritual athlete" in the path of Jesus. I am not giving up on Jesus, but what does it mean to be a "normal citizen" for Jesus? What is "normal"? What is balance? It is different for everyone, but I have no idea what that looks like for me.
I'm fine today, I have no serious worries. Just questions that I don't think I can answer. Maybe that's what "normal" is.