Thursday, December 01, 2016

12-1-16-- Anger

Last night my daughter and I had a knock-down drag-out fight.  Verbally, of course.  This morning we apologized to each other.  The fight is my responsibility.  I'm the grown up (in theory).

But I've been angry a lot.  I believe that I have good reason to be.

  • People whom I helped and sacrificed for years betrayed me and my work by oppressing people on my (former) property, forcing me to shut down.
  • A local church is doing outreach on my (former) church property, to undermine all that I was doing.  
  • The neighbors have been complaining and trying to undermine our work for years, and they finally succeeded.
  • Two cities I've been working with have been endangering homeless people's lives by sweeping them without giving them a place to go, but out of the cities.  Yet they still claim to be helping these same people.
  • One city had me arrested for protesting their actions.
  • The other city constantly threatens my friends.
  • People have been gossiping about me.  I confronted one and that person turned around to gossip even more about me and my people.
  • I have to pack up and move out, giving my hard work to someone else, and I have to stay away.
  • The solutions for my folks on the street are as far away as they ever were.
Okay, pretty good reasons.  But why am I so furious now?  And if these are the reasons, why am I taking it out on my family?

Well, I'm not sure.  But these are some possibilities:

-I pushed my anger aside for the last year and now it's all coming out

-I am going through a grieving process from losing my two-decade old work and this is the stage I'm going through.

-I am in depression from my drug withdrawals (adrenaline) and part of this is anger.

-I am overwhelmed by people and so I'm likely to explode at anyone.

Or some combination thereof. 

I really think my best option at this point is to find a bunker and hide there for a year until the feels go away.  But more realistically, I will need to keep living at a lower stress level and to keep reminding myself that it isn't the person in front of me I'm upset at.

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