Trapped by Hatred

Jesus told us to love our enemies, so if we are followers of Jesus, that’s pretty basic.  But even as followers of Jesus we can create an enemy in our minds so insidious, so horrible that whatever measures we use against that enemy is justified.  This is called hatred or rage or bitterness. It could be against an ex-spouse, against a political party, against a group who hurt us, against a corporation or against an ideology.

Signs We Are In Attack Mode

 It is a state of mind, like falling in love, in which all of our life experiences are colored by this experience, and we don’t know how much it affects us.  And if someone mentions it, we will often deny that we are in a state of hatred.  So how can we know?  Here are some signs:

1.       We find ourselves thinking about these same wrongs done by our opponent when our minds are at ease.

2.       We will re-direct conversations (especially on the internet) to the wrongs done, even when the connection in the conversation is tenuous at best.

3.       Our friends stop conversing with us, for fear we will bring up this subject again.

4.       We ignore our close friends’ recommendations that we have gone over the deep end in this subject.

5.       We excuse our actions and obsessions by saying, “But they deserve it!” which gives us an excuse to list their sins again.

6.       We pursue any opportunity to list the sins of our opponent, and we think that this is the best way to gather supporters against them.

7.       We cannot see what good our opponent does, everything they do is black, with no shades of gray.

8.       Those who see some good they do, or who question some of our propositions must be absolutely convinced of our opponent’s evil.

9.       If it comes, we rejoice in our opponent’s downfall.

10.   We find ourselves participating in groups that express hatred in open terms with which we are uncomfortable, but we think our cause allows for that.

What can we do?

If we find ourselves in such a state, we might be both a little embarrassed but also assured that we are right.  In some ways we might very well be right.  It is easy to find wrongdoers, but harder to change the situation into right.  Jesus does not want us to spew hatred against our enemies, but to love them, to convert them to doing right through Him.  How can we do that?

1.       Change ourselves.

If we want to change those around us, or part of the world, we must first change ourselves.  We must be the change we see in others.  If we want to be listened to, we must first listen.  If we want to be forgiven, we must first forgive.  If we want justice, we must first enact justice.  If we want our opponent to change, we must enact the change in our lives, in our communities, and show how it works better.

2.       Release bitterness.

Our listing of other’s sins and perpetual angry speech isn’t hurting our opponent, it is only hurting ourselves by making us bitter people.   We need to recognize that we are making others uncomfortable with us by creating an enemy.  Even if they have attacked us first, we are the ones perpetuating the war.  For our own sakes, we need to release this bitterness.  But if our minds are so focused on this, how can we possibly overcome it?

-Take a fast of judging speech.  Don’t post anything angry about anyone on your FB page, don’t blog about it, don’t talk to your spouse about it for as long as you feel necessary.  A month is a good, round number, and the sins of our opponent will still be there when we are done with the fast.

-Don’t allow ourselves to think about it when our minds our quiet.  We can’t actually stop thinking about something, but we can distract ourselves with things that are positive—books, movies, music that focuses us on what is good, honorable and noble.

-Make a list of what positive things our opponent has done.  Every person, group and organization has done something good.  If we can’t see it, it is because we are blinded by our own anger.  If we really want our opponents to change, we must admit what good they have done, even if the good is only positive motivation—that they tried to do something good, even if they failed.  This is a hard step, but unless we can do this, our own healing is on hold.

3.       Use your anger for good

Bald anger only produces more anger.  We can use our anger to be wise, to see good be done. Instead of speaking against someone, we need to figure out ways to positively stop the evil being done.  To “win” is not to cause our opponent to fail, for that only leaves a void for another person/organization to step in and cause evil again.  Rather, we need to produce good that will replace the evil.  This requires imagination and ingenuity.  But if we have the energy to be angry, we have the energy to turn that anger to produce good out of it.  And in whatever action you do against your opponent, be able to say to them honestly “I love you (opponent), and so I want to see (positive action) happen.”

4.       For every negative comment, make two positive ones

There is a time for anger.  There is a time to talk about wrongs done.  But if that’s all we are talking about, we are only bringing more anger into the world.  Vow to not only talk about wrongs done on the internet or in conversation, but to focus on the good.  Be funny.  Post beauty.  Encourage someone.  In this way your life will have a better balance.  

"Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry."  James 1:19

Biblical Principles of Conflict

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. (Matthew 5:7,9)

Salt is good; but if the salt becomes unsalty, with what will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another. (Mark 9:50)

Accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions....Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls.... Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this-- not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in a brother's way of faith. (Romans 14:1, 4, 13)

Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. (James 1:19-20)

If you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another. But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are:... enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:15-23)

What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures. You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture speaks to no purpose: "He jealously desires the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us"? But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "God is opposed to the proud but gives grace to the humble."  Submit therefore to God.  (James 4:1-7)

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. (Romans 12:14-18)

You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. (Matthew 5:43-45)

If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' forgive him." (Luke 17:3-4)

Let all that you do be done in love. (1Corinthians 16:14)

How To Disagree

      I often find myself in disagreements.  Maybe it's because I'm a disagreeable person, I'm not sure.  But over many years I have found that there are basic principles that are helpful in conversations in which we disagree, whether face to face or on the internet.  While I don't always follow all of these principles, I think that our discussions would go better if I, and all the rest of us, could follow these basic guidelines when disagreeing.

           Expect disagreement

No matter how much we may agree with each other, disagreement will happen.  This is not a bad thing.  If we disagree, we can discuss issues and come up with a better solution.  What is problematic is when the disagreement is completely unexpected or comes from a position we consider illogical or immoral.  There are times that we will be hurt by the fact that someone we otherwise respect we disagree with in an important issue.  However, we must be careful not to let that hurt or anger at a position determine our response.


 Listen to understand the other person’s position

We may want to listen to other’s point of view in order to find specifics to undermine it.  What is more important is that we understand what the other person is saying.  If we begin the conversation as an attack, then we won’t even know what exactly we are attacking, and many of our counter-arguments will not actually be about the other person’s point of view at all.  We must be careful to know their position before we even begin a response.  This might mean we will need to ask questions to have them clarify their point of view.

Look for the ideas  you can agree with

If someone disagrees with you, this doesn’t mean that there are no areas of agreement in the broader realm of the subject.  Look for the areas of agreement.  Those areas of agreement can be mentioned to soften the blow of the clear disagreement.  Also, the areas of agreement can be used later to discuss another way of looking at the whole problem, a point of view which both parties might agree with.


 Never insult or demean the other person or their belief system

Just because they disagree with you, your logic or your moral ideas does not make the other person bad, illogical or immoral, and they should not be treated as such.  Do not bring in false conclusions to their point of view—you can be concerned about the implications, but don’t assume that they will happen.  Never use insulting language.  Do not demean their character, nor demean the sources of their belief system.  That will only increase anger, not discussion.  And it certainly will not create agreement.


Try to respond with clarity

When you respond to the other person’s position, be sure to be clear how your points relate to theirs.  If you have an opposite viewpoint, make it clear, along with your reasons. Don’t keep repeating your point again and again.   Be sure whatever examples or stories you use are clear and pertinent.  Carefully use your language so it doesn’t make the wrong point.  On the internet, use emoticons to express what we might do with tone or facial expression, such as sarcasm or a joke.  It might be good to bring the other person along with you.  Speak about mutual goals and how your position is more likely to achieve those goals.


Give them an opportunity to respond in respect
Disagreement should be a conversation, not a monologue.  So this means we should hope and expect responses.  If the responses are insulting or hateful, then the conversation is over, because anger is the far most likely response to anger.  But we should give an opportunity for the one we disagree with to respond and for us to come up with a reasonable response to them.


If the disagreement becomes unproductive, it is time to stop
Any of us, at times, can have our emotions carry us where we are no longer productive.  So if a disagreement becomes uncontrolled or polarized, it is time to end the discussion.  Perhaps the conversation can be taken up another time, but it is not worth hurting each other for the sake of a point.  Perhaps one of the parties can see the heat of the argument, back up and cool things down.  This can be done with humor, or with a sincere apology.  But if cooling down doesn’t work, it might be time to back up and try again another day.


 The goal is not agreement or convincing, but love
In a disagreement, if the purpose of both parties is to prove they are right, then there is no convincing either side—for this reason debates don’t work because they create deepening polarization, so no real solution can be found.  But often a disagreement cannot find agreement between the opposing parties.  Even if they are looking for some kind of agreement, it cannot be found.  So, rather than create false expectations for those involved, the goal of the disagreement must be love.   We want to love our opponent by giving them respect.  We want to love those listening to us by responding fairly and clearly.  And we want the goal of our positions to be about love: love of others, love of the poor, love of nature, love of God—whatever the subject may be.  We need to remember that if it is important enough to have strong disagreement, the purpose must be to benefit someone.  If there is no benefit, then perhaps the disagreement isn’t worth having.

Who We Are in Negativity

 

When we surrender ourselves to our rage, our bitterness, our lust or our hatred, we are not the mature human being we pretend to be on the outside. We have become a primal self, so caught up in our emotions that we are no longer even human.

Prevent such evils by being so caught up in love that you don't have energy for such pettiness.